


She Was

by TaoAndThen



Series: Twisting the Knife: Sharpening the Blade [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentors, Original Character Death(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2018-11-17 03:23:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11266914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaoAndThen/pseuds/TaoAndThen
Summary: A five songfic challenge dedicated to OC Colleen Berliner, who plays a prominent role posthumously.  But what was she before her untimely death?  What was she to those around her?  Who was she?She was many things.  Mentor, mother, Squad Leader, lover, and finally...angel.Colleen Berliner belongs to xxTheBlackDevilxx from DeviantArt.  Contains spoilers for my Attack on Titan fanfic 'Twisting the Knife'.





	1. The Mentor

**Trigger Warning- Mention of suicide**

 

**Colleen and child Saskia**

 

**1.)  “Living Is Simple”, Switchfoot**

Being promoted to Squad Leader was many things.  An honor, a burden, joyous, overwhelming...it was a dichotomy of the celebratory and the detested.  Colleen Berliner was no exception to such feelings.  The night of her inauguration ceremony she and some of the other squad leaders went to the ritziest bar near headquarters, one that just so happened to be owned by her uncle (in other words, discounted drinks).  Though not a heavy drinker herself, she couldn’t say no to a few congratulatory drinks from her uncle.

She tried hard not to laugh at the drunken antics of her brethren-in-arms as they called for a carriage, far too intoxicated to walk, and rode back to headquarters.  Luckily none of them vomited during the ride; they saved that for once they were in their respective quarters.  When she reached her room she ate a little and drank some water, hoping to fend off a highly unlikely (but still possible) hangover in the morning.  A few feet of snow on the ground didn’t mean that training sessions were canceled.  Not so long as they could open the front doors of the building.

Colleen had always gravitated towards a life of simplicity.  She much rather be surrounded by warm hearts than cold materialism.  That didn’t mean her life was without struggle.  Far from.  And these struggles were by no means restricted to her life in the military.  At time she found one of her greatest struggles in the form of an eight-year-old girl.  She could see said girl out in the courtyard bundled up in a thick winter coat and scarf, almost to the point of being immobile, shoveling snow to keep a clear path from the gates to the front door.  She sighed and donned her winter attire, going outside and grabbing a shovel from the tool shed, which earned her an awkward stare from the little girl.

“I can do it myself.”  Saskia needn’t say anything, but elected to as her body language clearly hadn’t made it apparent enough.  Her fierce green eyes spoke volumes, and her resolve was made evident in the large piles of snow she had created.  

“I never said you couldn’t.  But it’ll go quicker if two pairs of hands are doing it, right?”

“I do **not** _require_ another pair of hands.”

“I never said you did.  What if I simply wanted to shovel?”

“No one wants to unless they need to.”

“There’s nothing wrong with getting a little help now and then.”

Saskia opened her mouth to respond, but instead frowned and continued working.  Colleen didn’t bother hiding her victorious grin.

“Congratulations on your promotion,” the little girl grumbled.  “You have certainly earned it.  The next time you wish to celebrate, do remember to be back by curfew!”

 

**2.) “This”, Ed Sheeran**

It was easy to become jaded while serving in the military.  Some suffered from severe trauma and physical injury, keeping them from continuing on the only career path they knew.  But to a few the military wasn’t simply an occupation one entered after five years of rigorous training.  An even smaller amount came to appreciate their world even more.  The majority of this atypical bunch could be found in the Survey Corps.

“It is disrespectful to smile when preparing the bodies for a funeral pyre.”  Saskia scolded Colleen from behind the mask covering her nose and mouth.

“I’m not smiling because I’m happy,” the blonde soldier replied, brushing her bangs out of her face.  “I’m smiling because I know some of these soldiers died doing what they love.  Not everyone sees the military like you do Saskia.  Some regret joining.  Some become angry and start to hate the world.  Then there are some who see the world for what it really is- something to fight for.  Something to reclaim.”

“It was already ours?”

“Of course.  The Titans weren’t always around, after all.  That’s all the more reason to fight for it.”  In a low whisper she added, “We’ll never be able to see the world for what it really is if we don’t try to find what it once was.  And if we never knew it was there in the first place, then why would we try so hard?  This is about more than killing Titans.  There’s much more outside the walls.”

“Why are you whispering?”  She and Colleen picked up piles of charcoal to drop into the soon-to-be-lit pyre.

Out of the corner of her eye, Colleen noticed Shardis giving her a suspicious -aggressive even- look of disapproval.  He didn’t like people spending too much time around Saskia.  He particularly didn’t like when Colleen did so, but that was mostly because he didn’t like Colleen.  Whispering still she replied, “Some people don’t want you know how beautiful the world is.  But you need to keep that to yourself, okay?  Those who don’t want you to know might try to stop you or lie to you about it.”

“Then how will other people know there is something beautiful waiting for us out there if some keep it a secret?”

“Show them with your actions, not your words.”

 

**3.) “Vices Verses (Darren King Remix)”, Switchfoot**

Colleen knew that what came up must also come down.  For every high there was a low.  For every blessing there was a curse.  These things kept one grounded in reality so as not to become blinded by euphoria or crushed by misery.  Finding the middle ground, the healthy balance, the fine line in between the two was a never-ending battle.  She also knew it was inherent to the human condition; what purpose would complaining serve?

When tragedy struck and her comrades fell she would find herself wondering what was on the other side, though she dare not attempt to find out for herself.  Sometimes she was curious as to how harsh an experience needed to be for one to lose what little faith they had left, but she had no desire to seek it out.  Then there were times where she truly wanted to know what the anger felt like, what it meant to be consumed by depression, to be fixated on or obsessing over absolute hatred, to let one’s self completely fall apart...deliberately.  These questions didn’t eat away at her but she was surrounded by a culture where such ideas and persuasions were the norm, though not (actively) encouraged.  A culture she chose to live in.  There was no denying the difficulty that would occasionally arise from the exposure.

“Superior Team Leader Colleen, is my balance better?”

“We’ll find out in a few moments if you flip upside down again, won’t we?” she teased slightly, earning a frown.

Colleen needn’t worry about succumbing to darkness; she found a force to balance things out, a force closing in on seven-years-old.  Most called her Saskia.  Colleen called her ‘hope’.

 

**4.) “Zero”, Hawk Nelson**

Suicide was not uncommon in the Survey Corps, especially amongst the youth.  As his Squad Leader, Colleen had an obligation to report any signs of clinical depression and vocalized suicidal ideation to the medical wing; though usually overflowing, their mental health ward did their best to see and counsel everyone who entered those doors.

It had been three months and she had yet to forgive herself.  Even if she wasn’t the one who found his body, she might as well have put him there.  She would never forget the look in his mother’s eyes when she told her the news.  This poor woman had lost her husband to a physical ailment and now her only child to a psychological one.

_‘Why didn’t you stop him?  Why didn’t you people try to help him?’_

These were the questions his mother demanded answers to before nearly throwing the blonde woman out the door.  Three months had gone by and she still found herself asking these questions.  What had she done wrong?  What didn’t she do right?  Who’s to say this wouldn’t happen again?

She excelled at keeping her composure in professional settings but when the sun went to sleep, the rest of the world with it, she cried and cried and cried until her body was too weak and demanded rest.  Other superior officers offered comfort, having been in in similar positions.  But Colleen was lucky, they said, as most suicides happened outside the walls.  Spontaneous, no one could predict it, and everyone saw it- a comrade throwing themselves at a Titan.

Saskia knew Colleen was sad but she had difficulty wrapping her mind around the event.  Colleen hadn’t seen it.  Colleen wasn’t responsible.  Colleen was the first to notice something was wrong in the first place.  Colleen did everything she could to help.  Why was she said?  Why did she blame herself?

Death had been normalized to this child.  She recognized it as a loss of a person, but having never been close to someone now deceased she couldn’t comprehend that ‘loss’ meant more than one less body to occupy space.

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

Colleen was right.  One day Saskia would understand.  Colleen would be the one to teach her, though not by choice.

 

**5.) “Can’t Keep My Hands Off You,” Simple Plan featuring Rivers Cuomo**

“Squad Leader Colleen.”  Saskia knocked on her door for the third time.  She knew the blonde woman was in there.  She hadn’t the faintest idea as to why she wasn’t answering.

“Sorry Saskia!  I’m coming!”  She opened the door to her office, looking a little flustered.  “I’m sorry sweetheart, I was a little distracted.”

Saskia narrowed her eyes, studying Colleen up and down before shoving a pile of papers into her chest.  “See to it that it does not happen again.  Am I understood?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Are you mocking me?”  Small hands griped small hips defensively.

“No, no, I would never.”

“I have my eyes on you, Squad Leader Colleen...Whatever is distracting you, I suggest you refrain from engaging further.”  Saskia saluted and marched her way back down the hall.

Colleen closed the door and leaned against it with a sigh as she mentally scolded herself.  With a tiny grin she chuckled, “I look forward to the day when I find her lost in daydreams about boys.  Until then I better not let my own thoughts get the better of me.  I need to finish this…”  She shuffled through the papers, eyes widening in horror.  “By tonight?!” 


	2. The Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this super late at night so if there are a lot of errors, I apologize. My ability to revise and edit is very much lacking right now.
> 
> MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD (all will be clarified in the next two or three chapters of Twisting the Knife so it's not like the ending is spoiled)

**Colleen and pre-teen Saskia**

 

  **1.)** ** **“Blazin’,” In This Moment****  

“Squad Leader Colleen!”  A pre-teen ravenette ran up to the blonde woman.  When Colleen heard her voice she looked over her shoulder, Saskia panting behind her.  She was bent over, hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath.

“Give me a moment, please,” the younger female requested, a finger in the air.  “I have been running all over the building to find you.”

“All over?  What’s wrong?”  Colleen put a hand on Saskia’s shoulder.  “Is everything alright?”

Saskia nodded as she stood up.  “Indeed, all is well, you need not worry.  There is merely something I need to show you.  I had to wait until sundown.” Leaning forward she whispered, “I have not shared this with another, so you must give me your word that it will stay between us.”

“Of course.  You needn’t even ask.”

“Alright, then come with me to the basement.”

“The basement?” the Squad Leader asked slightly confused.

“Yes.  Come on, we need to hurry.”

“Why the rush?”  Her confusion only escalated as they began their descent.

“The Commander is out of the building and will be gone for the night.  He had to head to the capitol on urgent business. It was all rather sudden...but the timing works to our advantage.” 

On their way to hall leading to the basement they saw Erwin Smith, a soldier who worked beneath a team leader who was in team beneath Colleen.  He looked somewhat out of place until Colleen realized he was standing on guard.

“What in the world?” she muttered as he and Saskia exchanged looks, the older of the two giving her a nod in the affirmative and the younger a nod of appreciation.  Colleen’s hand was tugged along and her pace quickened until they reached the door. Saskia opened it hastily.

“Worry not, Erwin will ensure there are no interruptions,” Saskia said as they stepped in, closing the door as quietly as possible behind the two of them.

“He knows about this secret too, I take it?”

Saskia nodded with a slight grin as she faced the the stone wall.  “He was the first I told.” She looked to her right and slowly began moving along the wall, one hand gliding along while the other pressed firmly against it.  “It should be close...Here it is!” she whispered loudly.

“Here’s what?  All I see is a stone wall.”

“And when most look at me all they see is a little girl incapable of wielding 3DMG or fighting for humanity’s survival.”  She began moving a large panel, revealing a dark corridor and staircase leading downwards. Shooting Colleen a triumphant grin she added, “The eyes alone cannot be trusted.”

**2.) “Paper Aeroplane,” KT Tunstall**

“That’s enough.”  Colleen scolded Saskia for what felt like, and may very have been the hundredth time.  The pre-teen took to her usual rigorous workout routine after having completed an equally rigorous amount of paperwork.  “Saskia!” she yelled, startling the younger one. She grabbed the punching bag Saskia had been assaulting for at least an hour straight, bringing its pendulum-like swinging to a complete halt.  “That. Is. Enough.” Her words were heavily punctuated through grit teeth. “Hydrate and shower,  _ now _ .”

Saskia had been taken aback by the command.  While she was certainly used to being given and dutifully following orders they had never,  **ever** come in the form of a scolding from anyone other than her legal guardian Keith Shardis.  And the last person she ever thought she would hear them from was Colleen Berliner. In fact, she never thought she would hear such a tone and such words in concurrence from her.  She gave a single nod, grabbing her towel and wiping the sweat from her forehead and chest, then grabbed her water bottle and drank quickly as she made her way to the locker room showers.

Colleen tapped her foot impatiently as Saskia walked away but she stopped once the girl was out of sight.  Folded arms went from her chest to having at her sides. Her frustrated expression softened to one of guilt.  Yes, Saskia’s actions were typical from the girl but still unhealthy. Yes, she was used to acting in such a fashion.  No, no one had ever made her stop. No one other than Shardis, and that was only when he needed her elsewhere. Others would tell her to or suggest it but they were either argued with or ignored completely.  She was also never scolded by anyone else. Not so intensely. Not over doing what she had always done, over things she felt were best for her. Why wouldn’t working out be in her best interest? And the longer the better, right?

She bit her lower lip and glanced in the direction of the locker room.  “If he continues treating you like this,” she whispered to herself, “you’re going to come crashing down.  I can only hope I’ll be there for you when that happens.”

She wouldn’t be.  Not by choice.

**3.) “Fine By Me”, Andy Grammar**

“What do you think of the newest members of your squad?” Saskia asked casually, flipping through dossiers of the soldiers in question.  “I find myself particularly impressed by this one.” She plucked a paper from the stack she held and handed it to Colleen. “Based on the notes taken during his time in the Trainee Corps, he seems to be a particularly gifted individual.”

Colleen’s deep blue eyes scanned over the paper as she read.  She hummed her agreement to the black-haired girl. “He certainly seems like someone with a bright future ahead of him.”

Saskia raised an eyebrow at her before setting the papers down on Colleen’s desk.  “I know that tone,” she said with blatant disapproval. “No matter how impressive he might be on paper, do not become too attached.  There is absolutely no room for such trivialities in the life of a  _ respectable _ soldier.”

Colleen bit back a laugh.  “I can’t wait to meet the man who steals your heart.”

“You shall continue to wait, for that will  _ never _ happen,” the younger one insisted, folding her arms over her chest.  She approached the large open window and glanced down at the courtyard below.  “It seems that they are assembling now. I will see you outside momentarily.” She offered her parting salute and went out to the courtyard of the headquarters where the newest graduates were waiting, eager to meet their superior officers.  Team Leaders and Superior Team Leaders were expected to show, as they worked the closest with cadets; Squad Leaders had the option, and Saskia was rather vocal about her discontent with those who ‘were too busy’ to take time and meet their new comrades.  Colleen was one of the few who was just as eager, if not more so, than the new recruits themselves.

She too would do her best to acquaint herself with as many as she possibly could on their first day; Shardis expected her to become familiar with each and every single one, as one was less likely to be inspired to save someone with whom they were hardly familiar.  She would judge their character by their facial expressions, how firm their handshakes were, how practiced their salutes were; sometimes her findings were reported to their superior officers should they require an ‘intervention’ for ‘behavioral modification’. One soldier in particular stood out that afternoon, the very soldier whose profile she has shown to Colleen.

Saskia noted the way he made effort to shake Colleen’s hand  _ and _ salute her; either he held great respect for the chain-of-command or he was sucking up.  Either way he knew how to make a first impression. When their conversation seemed to shift from polite and introductory to more personal and casual, she couldn’t help but frown.  Narrowing her green eyes she murmured to herself, “I will be keeping a very close eye on you, Cadet Smith.”

**4.) “Belle of the Boulevard”, Dashboard Confessional**

“When you be on leave next?”

“I’m not sure.”  Colleen rolled her shoulders and set down her now empty glass on the bartop.  “Sooner than later, I hope.” She watched as the last patron exited the bar and leaned over the bartop.  “I’m not sure how much longer I can do this,” she whispered loudly, fists clenching.

“You made the choice to join, Colleen.”

“I know!  I am well aware, and I don’t regret it!  But the things he does to her...How much longer until I can intervene?”  She dropped her forehead to her palm, elbow propped.

“It’s doubtful you can.”  The barkeep, her uncle Otto, went to lock up before any confused drunkards from the less savory areas of the district could wander in.  He liked to keep a clientele as respectable as his establishment, as it was known through Wall Rose as one of the finest. “There’s too much at risk.”

“Then why not contact Grisha?  What more could we possibly have to wait for?  And what is the Volkov family doing?” she demanded, voice growing louder with every question.

“Sergei just had a child, in case you forgot,” Otto replied matter-of-factly.  “And Grisha’s being watched. If we get too close to him, if they get close to you, it’s all over.  Everything Gloria did goes to waste. You know that.”

“It’s not fair!” she shouted, taking her empty glass and chucking it at the wall.  The broken shards scattered across the floor and the bartop.

“Nothing’s fai-”

“You don’t have to see the things I do!” she shouted again, spinning on her heel and glaring at her uncle.  “You don’t have to see the scars on her body, or the way she squints when she’s trying to hold back her tears because she knows he’ll only hurt her more if she shows ‘weakness’, or that look in her eyes when she lies to me.  When she says she’s okay, that everything is okay. There isn’t a God damn thing about this that’s okay! And I’m tired of not being able to do anything about it!”

“You’re doing far more than most with the Berliner name have done in decades!” he fired back.  “If this were easy or glamorous, your lazy parents would’ve gladly signed up for it!”

“I’m not asking for easy or glamorous!  All I want is…” Hot tears started streaming down her face and hiccuped loudly.  “All I want is some way to come between them. To protect her. It’s one thing to hinder all the brainwashing she’s being subjected to, but keeping her safe from them is a completely different story.  Who in their right mind would believe it’s okay to turn a child into a living weapon? A puppet for carnage?”

“Her father,” Otto replied simply.

“Don’t you dare call him that!” she exclaimed pointing at him angrily.  “That bastard isn’t deserving of being called a father. He’s done nothing to earn it.”

“Colleen,” he sighed.  “You need to accept that there might not be a damn thing you can do to protect her.”

“I cannot and will not accept that!”

“Your refusal to accept it doesn’t change a damn thing,” he spat.  “No one in their right mind would think this was okay, but those assholes we’re fighting clearly aren’t in their right mind, and they don’t give a shit about what’s ‘okay’.  They only care about what works, and if there’s any validity to this ‘Living Weapon’ thing, and based on your findings it seems there is, then the best you can do is use that against them.”

“Against them?  How? By making her a cold-blooded murderer who kills in the name of justice and liberation?!” she spat, looking visibly disgusted.

“If this weapon thing is real, then she’ll be strong no matter who or what is influencing her.  You can’t prevent that. But you can help her make that strength her own. I think the best way for you to protect her is to teach her how to protect herself.”

Colleen took a few deep breaths before slumping back onto the bar stool, collecting herself.  Otto grabbed his broom and dust pan and swept up the shards from her earlier outburst, humming ‘The Wings of Freedom’ the entire time.  She remained silent, trying to gather her thoughts, but her mind was racing a million miles a minute in a million different directions; her heart was going in thousands.

“How can I do that?” she finally asked, peering over her shoulder as Otto discarded of the last pieces of glass.  “I’ve tried to show her that there’s more to life than fighting, that there’s so much beauty in the world that we don’t appreciate nearly as much as we should, that there’s no shame in being compassionate…”  Her voice trailed off as bittersweet memories began to surface.

“Sounds like a pretty good start to me.”

“She’s already thirteen,” Colleen mused, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling.  “Can you believe that? Seven years now...Ha. Seven years, and this is all I have to show for myself?”  Her tone was uncharacteristically bitter and pessimistic.

“She’s still alive, ain’t she?”

“Yes, but-”

“Then you’re doing something right,” he interrupted more sharply than intended.  “If what you’re doing now has gotten you through seven years, it can get you through seven more.”

That night was the last night he saw his niece.

**5.) “Best Night of Our Lives (Album Version)”, Everyday Sunday**  

“Saskia, may I borrow you for a moment?” Colleen asked as she poked her head inside the girl’s room.  On any other occasion she would scold Saskia for still being awake but after her explosive yet inspiring conversation with her uncle only weeks prior.  That, coupled with the next expedition being three days away and recent tragedy striking one of her secret comrades made her all the more desperate for their little moments.

“What for?” the thirteen-year-old asked only partially invested in the conversation, or anything outside of the paperwork in front of her.  Someone in the medical wing made a computational error when assembling their budget and inventory needs for the expedition and she was working diligently to find and correct it.

“I was going to look at the stars for a little while.  Clear my head. And you look like you could use a break.”

“The error is not going to fix it itself,” she replied dismissively.  Saskia always became rather terse in the week preceding expeditions.

“Staring at the paper won’t fix it either,” she replied with a slight, knowing grin.  “Then how about a compromise? We can see the stars from here in your office.”

“You will continue to me pester should I refuse.  Fine,” she relented with a roll of her eyes. Saskia motioned for Colleen to enter as she set the papers down and undid the latches on her window.  She spread them wide open and hopped up onto the sill, legs hanging off the side.

“I envy you for having this view,” Colleen said with a dreamy sigh as she rested her arms on the sill.  “It’s almost as beautiful as the view of the rooftop.”

“I do not recall you being so partial to stargazing.  I always understood that to be my passion.”

“You call it your passion but you were refusing to do it only a moment ago.”

Saskia said nothing, only huffed and rolled her eyes again.  She was most certainly at ‘that’ age.

“I don’t enjoy it as much as you, that’s true, but I do like the stories you’ve told me about the star wheel.”

“Zodiac wheel,” Saskia corrected.

“Ah, yes, of course.  Zodiac wheel. And I think that the predominant constellation right now...her story is tragic, but it holds an important lesson.”

“The Goddess of justice was appalled at humanity’s utter disregard for the ways of their ancestors.  They abandoned tradition and waged war. She warned them that such things would be their undoing and fled to the mountains, no longer able to bear the sight of the madness such a once proud people had descended into.  So overwhelmed she was by the chaos that she took refuge in the night sky. She sounds like a coward to me,” the younger one remarked. “She has the gall to criticize them for abandoning their ways, only to abandon them in return?  A rather petty thing to do.”

“That’s one way to look at it,” the blonde woman agreed.

“And the traditions they abandoned were not traditions at all.  She was a spiteful Goddess who despised the human race for no longer worshipping her and the rest of their pantheon.  She became obsolete.”

“You must keep in mind, love, that the ancestors she spoke of...were Gods themselves.”  She paused and watched Saskia mull over her words. “One could say that humanity suffered because they neglected to worship their deities, but I prefer to see it as a metaphor for neglecting their own inherent divinity.  If those Gods were their ancestors, then humanity’s essence has a piece of godliness in it.”

“In other words, you are suggesting that it was not rejection of theism that caused their strife, but rather their deliberate disregard for their origins?  Their refusal to recognize their own greatness, that which gave humanity purpose and definition?”

“They lost sight of themselves.  I don’t think the Goddess of justice was angry that they no longer worshiped her.  I think she was ashamed at what had become of her descendants and how this reflected upon her.  I think that deep down, she feared she had failed to set a proper example for them. She felt so incapable of being able to save them from themselves, she had no choice but to take the skies.”

“To hide in her shame?” she asked intrigued.  Colleen never failed to offer new and fascinating perspectives.

“No.  To cling to the hope that the few who still see how magnificent humanity is, and the bright future humanity is capable of creating, they would find her and try to understand why she left in the first place.  The things she tried to teach. If she didn’t still believe in humanity’s ability to achieve greatness, she wouldn’t still be visible to us.”

Colleen didn’t find the story to be tragic because it was a rather dark and bleak tale; for her, the tragedy was found in how strongly she felt she could relate to the Goddess of justice.  There would eventually come a day in which the sun would set on her for the last time, and she could only hope that Saskia would still be able to find strength even in the darkest of nights.  That her example would remain, even if only as a tiny flicker. And even if she were just a flicker, she was content with that. Every inferno begins as a spark.


End file.
